Paul Spencer Sochaczewski

Go For the Goals

Posted on 11. Aug, 2022 by Paul Sochaczewski in Articles, Personal essays

 

GO FOR THE GOALS
A modest proposal to improve football (soccer)

GENEVA, Switzerland

While watching my team lose (again), and half-heartedly wishing for divine intervention, I recalled a statement by Luis Suarez of Uruguay, who proudly declared that his blatant handball, with which he deflected a certain last-second Ghana goal in the 2010 World Cup, exceeded Diego Maradona’s famous ‘Hand of God’ goal which helped eliminate England from the 1986 World Cup in Mexico. “The ‘Hand of God’ now belongs to me,” Suarez said, 10 years after the event.  “Mine is the real ‘Hand Of God.’  I made the best save of the tournament.”

Perhaps to prove there is cosmic justice, Uruguay lost their next game, in the semi-finals, to the Netherlands.

But, I don’t believe there is karma in sports.

However, I do believe that football, or soccer as it is called in the United States, is in need of an overhaul. 

My suggestions cover two themes — increase scoring and improve on-field behavior.

Scoring needs to be easier.  In the 2022-2023 season of the English Premier League, the average number of goals for the 380 matches played was 2.85 goals per game, a number that hasn’t fluctuated much in decades.  I suggest that a higher-scoring game would be generally more exciting.

And I have some thoughts about on-field behavior.

Here are my five steps to improve football.  I don’t expect the diehards to agree.

1. NO OFFSIDE

When a bunch of guys (or, increasingly, girls) get together to knock a ball around, the first thing they agree on, in the absence of a referee and in the interest of keeping the game free-flowing, is that there are no offsides.  The offside rule stymies play.  The game would be much more open if attackers were free to speed down the field on a quick break, or just hang around the goal mouth, thereby forcing defensive players to hang back with them.

2. HIRE RUGBY REFEREES

Enough cinema. Enough talking back. Enough poking a finger in the ref’s face.  No other sport accepts this kind of behavior from players.  Hire rugby referees, and get them to train football referees.  A single grumble means the player concedes a free kick.  Any complaint (as opposed to a polite request for clarification from the captain, and only the captain), generates a yellow card.  Diving, faking, tantrums, fighting, taking an extra ten-meters on a throw-in — yellow and red cards. If unsportsmanlike behavior persists, the captain will be the one to start to get the yellow cards.

3. INSTITUTE A “SIN BIN”

It works in rugby. It works in ice hockey.  A yellow card comes with a ten-minute suspension.

4. NO TIES

No other sport accepts tie games.  And penalty shootouts are an abomination, hated by players and fans alike.

If a game is tied after the end of regulation time, the two teams will play two ten-minute sudden death extra periods in which the first goal (sometimes called the “golden goal” in Europe) will decide the winner.

If the teams are still tied after the extra periods, remove one player from each side every five minutes, until the teams have each lost five players.  Continue play with these increasingly-exhausted players until a sudden death goal is scored.

5. ENLARGE THE GOAL

Add 40 cm in height, 60 cm in width.

* * *

The shaky reasons why I am qualified to make these suggestions

I started playing soccer because of rejection.

I was 14, the year was 1961 and, like many of my freshman high school friends, I wanted to play (American) football. I trained diligently all summer, incurring the distraught warnings of my mother (“it’s too hot, you’ll get sunstroke”) and cautious encouragement from my father, went to try-outs, and was cut before I even tried on a uniform.  My math teacher, Charles Koch, doubled as the soccer coach and he invited me to join the team (the Fighting Knights).  To become really good at any sport you need to start young.  I was starting late, but I worked hard, went to soccer camp, and became modestly competent at the suburban New Jersey high school-level.  Most people think soccer barely existed in those days, but we had a full schedule of games against neighboring schools. Someone even persuaded the cheerleaders to do their pom-pom thing at our games — I perceived their hearts weren’t really into jumping around for a bunch of lesser-athletes. Coach Koch stuck me at half-back (midfield in European football jargon) because I could run all game, was somewhat fearless, and had a bit more ball-handling skill than some of my teammates. My high point was when I rushed an opposing player and he kicked a ball in my face, breaking my nose — my mother’s warning had come true! (But I stayed in the game, dripping blood — a fine tactic to intimidate opposing players.)

After high school I played informally at George Washington University on pitches (sorry, fields) on the Mall in Washington, D.C. where our competition was frequently a bunch of skilled and aggressive expat Brits, Italians, Mexicans, or Brazilians. Then I joined the Peace Corps and was sent to Sarawak, a Malaysian state on the island of Borneo.  I played at isolated rural schools abutting the rainforest, and in town with the local government council team. On just one occasion I tried to play bare-footed, like some of the local guys who had grown up walking barefoot in the rainforest. That was followed by a succession of sports club teams — the Singapore Cricket Club and the International Sports Club in Indonesia, where I tore my ACL.

Then I moved to Switzerland. I sought out a suitable village football team and offered my services.  But I faced two serious problems. The first was that the guys on the community team were significantly better than I was. The second was that football in Switzerland is taken seriously. We had a technical trainer and a physical trainer — a thin Italian man who took pleasure in our pain — correre!  My football career drizzled out, but even today, when I go to a sports shop to buy hiking boots or golf gloves I linger by the football section and examine the boots, thinking why not? They come in wonderful styles and colors unheard of when I played. I wonder — would these stylish boots have made that cute high school cheerleader chant my name with a bit more enthusiasm?”