Published in Golf Vacations
Summer 2001

"LEFT SIDE NO GOOD"
Asian caddies bring new insight to the game

by Paul Spencer Sochaczewski © 2001

BLUE CANYON, Phuket, Thailand

"Left side no good," Yim instructed me, pointing to the lake that paralleled the fairway.

I love it when pretty Thai women speak English, with their rolling tones and joking attitude. "And right side no good," she continued, gesturing towards a jungle where she knew my slice could easily end up.

My buddy and I were playing Phuket's Blue Canyon, one of Asia's most beautiful courses, and Yim, and her friend Sinjira, were our caddies. We knew that in the competitive Asian amateur golf world caddies frequently emulated the golfers whose bags they carried and bet on the outcome. My friend was outplaying me and I'm sure Yim was down a few hundred baht already and was trying to recoup her losses. "Straight, good," she said as I took my last practice swing.

I sure would love to have a caddie like Yim back in Switzerland where I live. Having a caddie, in particular a charming lady caddie, is one of the delights of playing in Asia. It sort of goes with the tropical ambience, along with humid afternoons, sudden thunderstorms and gulping an isotonic drink called Sweat.

I once had a fore-caddie in India who brought me incredible good luck. Several times I would hit a ball that I was certain was heading deep into the woods. Each time I'd find it on the edge of the fairway, sitting nicely on a little clump of grass. "Good rebound off the trees, sir," my caddie would explain.

Lady caddie-sans in Japan are older, no-nonsense women, completely covered with hats, shawls, long sleeved shirts - like most Asian women, Japanese avoid the sun, feeling that fair skin is more beautiful than a George Hamilton tan. These ladies put everyone's bag on a motorized push cart and walk determinedly down the middle of the fairway. They're used to playing with disciplined Japanese golfers who hit everything straight. God help you if you slice, the caddie won't follow you - you just have to grab a club and run to your ball and run back to the caddie who has continued to march determinedly towards the hole with your clubs.

Many American golfers who make the pilgrimage to Scotland are intimidated by the idea of having a caddie. There's old Seamus, who's seen it all and who hasn't acknowledged a good golf shot since the last sunny day, who hands you the club with a look that says "I kin be givin you a tennis racket, and it's not going to make a wee bit a difference."

What a contrast to polite Asian lady caddies. I recalled the story of when Australian actor Oscar Asche was playing a particularly bad game of golf on a Scottish course. After an uncharacteristically good stroke, he risked a casual remark to his caddie: "You'll have seen worse players than I am." When the caddie, an elderly Scot, did not reply, Asche assumed that he had not heard and repeated his remark. "I heard ye afore," said the caddie. "I was just considerin'..."

In contrast, Asian caddies have "boosting the client's ego" as part of their job description. On the rare occasions when I hit a good shot, Yim would offer a generous "You da man." I asked where she had learned the phrase, she replied "Texas golfer." Thank God he hadn't continued his language lesson to include "pardner."

Caddying is a good job for men and women in Southeast Asia. The pay's okay, they get tips, and for women from a village, it sure beats sitting in a factory making running shoes. Professional caddies for the successful PGA players earn big money. With bonuses of ten percent for a first place finish, eight percent for a top-ten finish and six percent of any other finish, caddies can do well indeed. Steve Williams, Tiger Woods' caddie, earned an estimated $880,000 in 2000, plus a substantial sum in endorsements (ever wonder why caddies wear baseball caps emblazoned with the logos of club and ball manufacturers?). Lance Ten Broeck earned more as Jesper Parnevik's caddie, $235,000, than he did in his best season as a tour player, $146,568 in 1989 (Parnevik fired Ten Broeck at the beginning of 2001, saying "I haven't played well for a while and we're going to have a break.") When Vijay Singh won the Caltex Singapore Masters on the Island Club's Bukit Course he tipped his Singapore caddie US$24,000.

When they weren't lining up our putts, Yim and Sinjira, and my friend and I exchanged language lessons. The women taught us enough Thai so that we would have landed in big trouble had we tried to practice any of the words with our office colleagues. Then we discussed philosophy. "You have many boyfriends?" I asked Yim. "No, don't want boyfriends," she answered. Sinjira corrected, "Yim have five boyfriends." Yim objected, "No true. Finish with boyfriends." "And why not? Aren't boyfriends good?" "No, all boyfriends bad. All boyfriends same same."

The Thais, living a golfing samsuk, seem to have developed the science of caddying to its peak. I've seen groups of six players, each golfer having a caddie to carry the bag, a caddie to carry the drinks and portable phone, a caddie to carry the umbrella to protect from sun and rain, a fore caddie to find errant balls and a shoulder massage caddie.

Indonesian lady caddies at Nirwana Country Club in Bali sit on the back of the mandatory electric golf carts. While they are charming and helpful, the fact that you have to sit in a motorized buggy defeats one of the best aspects of hiring a caddie - the walk.

Dennis Cone, president of the Professional Caddies Association in the United States, wants caddying to "become a profession, not just a job." The PCA has established the world's first caddie certification program. Some 90 wannabe caddies have recently completed a five-day class at Sandy Lane, the new Tom Fazio course in Barbados, and training programs are also planned for Trinidad and Vietnam The head teacher is Alfred "Rabbit" Dyer, who was Gary Player's caddie for 18 years.

"They learn that caddying involves much more than just carrying a bag," Cone explains. They have to be on time, learn to handle themselves, communications." And they have to learn about the science of golf courses. Here's a "Rabbit" trick the student caddies learned to figure out which way a green slopes. Look for the greenest grass around the green. Why? That's where the water goes, and that's the way the putt will break.

Which brings us back to that water hazard-filled hole at Blue Canyon. I tried to hit it straight. I really did. But I hooked it into the water. Yim looked at me and scolded, "I tell you, left side no good."